Sunday, June 7, 2009
I'm shackled by mirrors reflecting my indecency
I don't know why I'm here or how I even got here. But I am cuffed around the wrists and ankles. And I am trapped and need to get out. I get up and with all my might try and break the chains. I'm falling backwards. And then I try again. But my chains pull me back and make me fly till i bash into the ground. I don't care about the blood trickling down from my wrists and ankles. I just want to be set free. I give up, for now, and just sit in the dark. The only light is grey and coming from a sky light way high up. I see black all around me and a big tall mirror to which I am chained too. It looks a thousand years old with its silver frame. I stare into my eyes. They're dead and drained from tears, my skin is pale, and the color from me has faded. I feel dark. I feel like a ghost of nothingness. Just empty...I feel my skin and I am cold. I look back into my eyes, and then everything changes. I see myself but not in chains, I see myself as of 3 years ago. I'm chubbier and my hair was long and in pig tails. And then I realize where I am, or was. I begin to panic, my eyes begin bursting with tears. I see him, I see his head, his face, the dead eyes that never rolled back into his head. I scream and cover my eyes. A big gust of emotions and feelings run through my veins. I felt this chill blood I felt death again. I scream "NO" and I am back to looking at the present me. I wait a few minutes...and then I stand and touch the mirror. And then my hand touches your face. My tears still fall because in this moment you love me again. I am so happy. But your smile fades. "No" I say. "No please come back!" You turn and walk away. And you leave with another girl. "NO!" I scream again. And with both my fists pound on the mirror. "You are supposed to love me!" And I continue to punch the living shit out of the mirror. And then I stop. The mirror is cracked, I look down at my hands and they are covered with blood. I slowly look back at the mirror. And then....I see me as a child. I'm running through the green grass. My hair is so long and blond flying through the wind. I have the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy. I loved life. Then I see me suddenly stop.....I have the biggest fear in my eyes. And then I watch as a man comes and takes me away and I see my little self screaming. I grab that mirror and shout "LET GO OF HER! LET HER BE! STOP IT! STOP THIS!" I began to lash out. I kick I punch I scream till that mirror and the images of me are broken. I feel my hands crush into the glass and the stinging pain each time. But I want the pain I want the burn so I keep going. My tears are drowning me but I don't care. This is the window into my past, the past that will never go away never let me go. I use all my energy against it and then fall. I look at my hands again and I see glass pieces in my skin. I have blood stains all of my body. I look all around me at the broken glass. I see one where I see my face. I take it in my hands and hold it up to my face, "Why me? Why did my happiness be taken away so many times...?" I hold the piece of glass and squeeze it tightly and I look up into the sky light....and then the light....it begins to shine brighter brighter brighter and brighter
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