Lately, I have been feeling frustrated with a little mix of lost. I'm starting to realize that life is really shorter then it seems. That time is flying by too fast and things are happening so quickly I do re-winds in my mind to make sure they actually happened. I've come to terms that I have to do something with my life. I have to make a difference and be able to look back when I'm old and grey and say "Wow, I did it. I lived the life". But what am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be. I feel frustrated because I don't know exactly what I want to do. So I feel I'm wasting time on reaching that goal of a fulfilled life.
But I think my other problem is doubt. I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. My mother told me the other day that a week before her first marriage she wanted to back out. But she doubted her strength to stand up for herself and she never did. It later ended with her getting divorced and missing out on a time for her to be independent and maybe do something with her life...
Its sad, but I never want to be like my mother. I look at her and love her but feel sorry for her. She never did what she wanted to do. She never became who she wanted to see herself be. She looks in the mirror and sees someone that she never thought she would see. She sees regret. She regrets almost everything she has done and drinks it all away every night. I have tried many times to tell her how she has done good in this world, but it seems to have done nothing. Almost like she is slowly drowning everyday and sinking deeper and deeper.
I never want to grow old and feel regret. I never want to think of myself and feel guilty. I never want to say "What if". I have to focus on who I want to become. I have to come to terms that maybe there isn't one thing that I'm supposed to be. Maybe there are numerous things that I am supposed to do in my lifetime. I want to be a singer. It has been my dream since I was a little girl....I want to do something with my grandfather's company. Be an executive or just some big important office woman. I want to be a wife to a wrestler and travel all around the world and support him and be his #1 fan. I want to be a mother and have a big family and teach my children that the world is beautiful and so are they...
I have to do it all...
