From the Outside Looking In

I cry in the shower so my tears won't show

I listen to my heart beat so know one will know

My fears are rushing, overwhelming my mind

You don't know how it feels

When I'm hiding from the inside looking in

You taught me how to crawl

From your words I learned it all

You can't leave me yet

I'm falling from the deep end

Running with no balance

Hovering above me, looking at my shadow

No you don't know how it feels

When the room turns all black

No you don't know how it feels from the inside

Looking in...

Falling a little deeper

My breath gets that much harder

I haven't done it all

I feel so small



Striving for Something More

Lately, I have been feeling frustrated with a little mix of lost. I'm starting to realize that life is really shorter then it seems. That time is flying by too fast and things are happening so quickly I do re-winds in my mind to make sure they actually happened. I've come to terms that I have to do something with my life. I have to make a difference and be able to look back when I'm old and grey and say "Wow, I did it. I lived the life". But what am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be. I feel frustrated because I don't know exactly what I want to do. So I feel I'm wasting time on reaching that  goal of a fulfilled life.
But I think my other problem is doubt. I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. My mother told me the other day that a week before her first marriage she wanted to back out. But she doubted her strength to stand up for herself and she never did. It later ended with her getting divorced and missing out on a time for her to be independent and maybe do something with her life...
Its sad, but I never want to be like my mother. I look at her and love her but feel sorry for her. She never did what she wanted to do. She never became who she wanted to see herself be. She looks in the mirror and sees someone that she never thought she would see. She sees regret. She regrets almost everything she has done and drinks it all away every night. I have tried many times to tell her how she has done good in this world, but it seems to have done nothing. Almost like she is slowly drowning everyday and sinking deeper and deeper.
I never want to grow old and feel regret. I never want to think of myself and feel guilty. I never want to say "What if". I have to focus on who I want to become. I have to come to terms that maybe there isn't one thing that I'm supposed to be. Maybe there are numerous things that I am supposed to do in my lifetime. I want to be a singer. It has been my dream since I was a little girl....I want to do something with my grandfather's company. Be an executive or just some big important office woman. I want to be a wife to a wrestler and travel all around the world and support him and be his #1 fan. I want to be a mother and have a big family and teach my children that the world is beautiful and so are they...

I have to do it all...

My moon again...

Dear Old Friend,

I have not seen  you for quite some time. I know you are still there I just haven't had the time to stop, and say hello. Yes, I know I have been a terrible friend. But do not blame me. For I have grown up and taken responsibility. No longer do I spend my evening dreaming of magic, but instead trying to silence my thoughts and rub my tired eyes. I feel I must decide my destiny in this hour glass of a life, I hope you can understand.

Am I living each day to the fullest?
I'm trying...

Am I supposed to be something great in this world?
Yes...

I need you to help me find the answers and help me sort through the thoughts that don't matter. I feel like I am lighting little candles inside me, but soon they burn out. Give me the fire, burn the whole bush. I want to feel that burn and desire that you told me about. You made me believe in it and want it so bad. But should I go against everything that makes sense? Does that even make sense?

I think you're right...I know the one thing I do love that seems to fit into every empty slot inside me that I have. I push it away because I am scared. I'm scared of failure. But I rather try and fail, then never try at all. Okay, you've convinced me I must do this. Thank you old friend. I know you would always be there for me. I promise to never forget you.

Your friend...