The ones that truly love you will find a way to come back....

We hold hands in a circle as we await the prisoner. I always hate this part for I am the one always who wants to forgive and forget. And these prisoners are humans which half I am, half of my family...So I feel like a traitor, myself. The doors open with a loud jolt and we hear the two men dragging the prisoner so it's feet are behind . I can't see anything yet but I know it's a man. He is entered into the circle and dropped to the ground on his stomach and his head is laying right in front of me. His hands look bruised and his knuckles bloody from a fist fight. His hair is dirty but with blond streaks.
"What is his crime?" The head master asks.
"Causing a scene in public, a fight with another man" Says one of the guards.
"And this fight, how did it start?"
"I guess the other man accused him of stealing and he got mad."
Then my head master leaves the circle to get a cup of water. He pours it straight on to the mans face. Soon you hear movement and he begins to wake. He starts to lift himself up and his face looks straight at mine. And my heart stops...I know this human. Yes it must be him I thought. No one has those eyes. The eyes of blue with the gold center. And his hair yes, the same dirty blond and it still looks soft even though he has been roughed up. He reaches for his mouth and groans and notices its bleeding. His lips stained with blood but still lushes. He is much builder and older then I have last saw him, but I know it is him. How can this be the same man I have known and loved so long ago when we were so young. And he is the one I truly have broken for I left him to come here. I left him with the lie of me, the lie of how I am different. For so long I have tried and forget him but for so long he has tortured me for I could never stop loving him. He sits on his knees and acknowledges everyone standing in a circle around him. And a sudden look of confusion is locked on his face.
"What the hell is this?" He asks with a cocky tone in his voice.
My head master steps forward and states, " You are accused with starting a fight in the public market. Do you deny this?"
"No" He says and he doesn't seem ashamed of it.
"Good, then you know the punishment when you have beaten someone else..." and he answered
"I do". I began to worry now, yes I know the rules and regulations. But I cannot watch him be beaten and tortured.
I see my master with the whip and I panic, and I know I shouldn't but I can't stand him going through anymore pain. He winds up and "STOP!" I scream. He looks at me with horror because I have spoke out of conduct. "What?" he says with anger. "I'm sorry but Master, I know this human and I cannot let you hurt him for he means so much to me." Everyone in my pack have looked at me with disgust for non of them understand how I am affectionate to humans. He puts the whip down and asks "You wish to just, let him go? That is against our order I will not allow it!"
"No no Master I wish to take him as a prisoner and have you hand him over to me and let me take care of him. Please Master for I am half human and he is someone that belongs to my human half. I need him."
There is a long pause and I know he does not like this. I see that the prisoner who I am trying to save does not remember me, he looks at me with such confusion it makes me sad. But he will not let this opportunity of a way out let by.
" But he broke the law he deserves to be punished"
"But his act of fighting maybe something of a human state a human mental disability that I can help with. I know him and I know he did not steal and just fought out of anger he could not control. Please let me take care of him and watch over him and show you he can change..."
My master is the only one you takes my human acts in and understands that I cannot help it either. And we share a great trust with each other. He thinks long and hard then looks at me.
"Ok young one, but if he does another act of no good deed I will have to punish him"
"I understand Master and you can trust me he wont"
I feel the tenseness in the room of my other elders and I know they are upset with me, rather my human me. But I refuse to hide my human half for it its who I am too. They just have to except that. They all scattered and I am left with my prisoner. He looks the same, easy going not thinking hes in great danger.
"Come" I say "Let me bandage you up". I take him back to my room. He does not say a word which I find highly uncomfortable and disterbing. I sit him down and take a wet towel and begin washing his hands. They're the same hands I remember, they are still soft to the touch. We do not share words but I know he is looking at me. I know he is trying to remember who I am, who is this person that saved him? I knew it will be hard to explain everything when the time comes, but I know that time has to come soon for we cannot sit in silence forever. When his hands are washed I finally meet his eyes. Oh how i have missed them...
"So umm thank you for saving me out there, but you didn't have to I could've taken it" His voice is deeper and more rough then I remember.
I smile for I know he would have complained about the pain to himself later but feel like he was a great warrior for taking a whipping. I simply say "I know".
He looks at me still with that puzzled look and asks, "Who are you"? I smile again and say, "I am someone who you probably forgotton long ago for I told you to. I am an old friend, an old lover from when we were 16" From looking down I feel his hand on my chin as he pulls my head up to look me in the eyes. He pushes the hair out of my face and his expression now is shock. And mine too for he does remember me! My eyes begin to water and his mouth is hanging open. And now he simply says, "I cannot believe it".

All I want is ti Rock your Soul

So its been awhile.....

And the grass is green. The flowers are in bloom. The trees are filled with the greenest leaves. Summer is arriving. And with that the sun. The sun is my humble friend and my role model. I have always felt like I am the rain. I am the water to wash the pain away. I am what falls on your cheeks to make you look like tears. For it always seems the faults and negatives over power my positives. And I want to be like the sun. To shine on your day and make you smile up at me. Brightness...warmth....intensity...serenity....happiness. Eternal happiness that's what I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But you can't buy happiness and you can't buy the sun. You need sacrifice you need a journey to get there. You can't have the ending result the outcome without the process. Like having a baby. You can't have that little miracle without going through all the uncomfortable annoying pain of pregnancy. But you get something great in the end.

So why am I bringing this up? Just sometimes I get down...And I mean down. Like debby downer SO down. And I don't know why. I just do. Yes I am mentally disable at times but hey everyone's got their problems and I can handle mine...At times. Just this time it was hard. I felt anger, pain, and betrayal that really blew me away and made me feel physical pain. And it was because I was experiencing a new sort of internal issue. The issue of liking something that you shouldn't. The one where your head says "NO" but your heart says "yes"......And its difficult to listen to 2 totally different sides of you constantly. I mean who can do that without being a little emotional. But which one do you listen to? The one that just makes sense that you should say no and walk away. But when you did, you felt wrong....like you totally went against everything and everyone. But to me what matters is me being happy. And if that means being "wrong" in some sorts then I have to do it. I shouldn't have to follow what other people think anyways. I'm a big girl I can make descisions on my own. And I can make mistakes on my own. I guess its like proving everyone wrong trying to find your answer to make it right.


My life will never be simple....My life will never be easy....But one thing I have learned is be thankful for what you do have. And what you could do.

And at the end of every reinbow, there is a pot of gold waiting for you....

It has been quite sometime since I have written something....


But a lot has happened in the past couple months. I did some soul searching which is always good and healthy. What did I find on my quest? That I am someone special, and I don't need a guy to tell me that. That it's always better to love yourself before you start to love someone else. And just in time, and in a desperate search someone walked in on my life. My life has been quite enjoyable because of him. And because I know what I want to do with my life. I want to play piano. I felt I wasn't good enough to be a music major. But who really is? Its not about how many notes you can play and how fast you can play them. Its about heart. And my heart lies on the piano. I love to play. I feel it brings me to this new zone and new view of life. Its a ride each time I play. And when you're ever on a fun ride you hate it when its over. So I'm gonna let this ride keep going. I'm going to keep playing and I want to go to school for it. Maybe one day I can play on a stage infront of millions. Or write my own or play for someone. I dunno thats the fun part I have a lot of options. I can see myself as a musician. I thought I should be a psychologist....But I can't see myself as a doctor...

So I guess what I'm trying to tell you is really don't let what you think get in the way of what you feel. If you want to do it then do it. Don't let what they think is right get in the way of what you think is right. You will feel much happier if you follow your own heart.

So I think the last couple times I have been in love thats something I lost. I lost who I was and what I enjoy about myself. But now I'm finding those things again. I'm just being myself I guess. See I felt desperate to be happy after my heart was broken because I didn't have anything.....I lost myself. I spent all my time and energy thinking about making them happy when I didn't make myself happy. Thats why I was so depressed. So even if my heart gets broken again which I pray it wont I feel I wont be totally lost. I will have myself to fall back on.

Thats the way its gotta be. You can't lose yourself for someone else. You must have yourself for someone else.....

And Here We Go Again

I pray to you because you're supposed to follow through
And I never really said thank you
I guess I believe in you
But you're still hard to read sometimes
I don't know what you're trying to teach me
But I know you're doing it because you believe in me

Sometimes I want to know if the answer can just be myself
That I don't need someone else to make me happy
But with each new step I take someone else is always along for the ride
Is it selfish to say I don't mind?
Maybe these aren't steps
I don't believe my life is already planned out
I'm just going along for the ride
But when it comes to the one you love
I just feel you are destined to be together
You just have to make up the story to find them

So I guess what I'm trying to say is
Thank you for keeping my life interesting
And answering my prayers
Really....

Afraid of Lonely

I'm running. I don't look back and I push my legs harder and I go faster. I feel my tears quickly falling from my face. I don't know where I'm going. But I don't care I have to move.
"Come back!" I hear you scream and your steps quicken behind me. I do not say anything and let my speed show him. I see the sunset ahead of me and maybe just maybe I will just fall off the Earth. Then I wouldn't have to confront you, I wouldn't have to confront myself. Why did you follow me? Why did you meet me? Why are you here!?
Dust flies up and fills my eyes. I try and use my tears to brush it away. Then I feel the sweat on my forehead. How long has he been chasing me? When will he give up? Will he ever? I keep going I can't look at him. I can't fall for those eyes. But then a sudden jult and I trip and roll across the hard dirt. I feel the sting of the scratches on my arms and hands. Then I feel the tiredness in my legs and I can't get up from how worn out they are. But then I feel the hands of him pull me up. I try and get free but I can't hes too strong. "Let go of me" I shout and cry. "I'm not letting you go! Just listen to me" He says and he tries to look into my eyes but I refuse. His hands slide from my arms to my wrists and he holds them together. "Why are you running from me?" He says and hes no longer shouting. "Just leave me alone, let me go" I say and I feel my tiredness go to me head and my eyes begin to close. I begin to fall and he quickly realizes and pulls his arms around me. He sits down and i fall on his lap. My head rest on his shoulder and I feel his heart beating. The steady rhythm makes me calm. He shouldn't be here. I should just have fallen to my death not to his arms. But I'm so tired and aggravated I begin to cry. He slowly rocks me and doesn't say a word. There is nothing around us. Just wide open space. The ground is tan filled with sand and rocks. Its so flat that the big red sun is a perfect half circle. Its shining so bright on us. I can feel its heat and my skin tingle. But I'm drifting to sleep. But I want to keep running. I want to open my mouth to scream. But I can't. I can't lose him but I know I will. I can see the deep red of the sun behind my eye lids. I can feel myself falling into darkness. My head falls back and he starts to cradel me like a baby. Then I finally open my eyes. I see those deep blue eyes. I see his own tear stains and the dirt in his wrinkles. His hair is gently flowing in the breeze and I just admire everything about him while he keeps looking in my eyes. Hes perfect. He is my everything but I am just afriad that he will not be here. What if he stops loving me? What if somehow we separate? I can't wait for that. Because my heart and breaking always seems to happen. But yet, he makes me feel like he is brining to life more then just my heart. How did he find me? Why me?.... With whats left of my strength I reach up and touch his skin. Its rough but warm. He nuzzles in my hand and I find the blue in his eyes again. And then I say "I love you too".

We fall, so we can learn and pick ourselves back up

Sometimes I feel like an old woman in a 16 years old's body. I guess who can say I have matured pretty quickly. And no I do not mean matured as in I had big boobs early. I have been through a lot and I have grown a lot for just 16 years. Its amazing how little I have been on the Earth. But everyone goes through a stage when they ask themselves, "Who am I"? I'm still learning who I am. But I think knowing who you are and what you believe in is the key thing for going through this difficult stage. I used to be this loner child, that all I did was climb trees and sing songs. I had the biggest imagination. I made a promise to myself that I would never grow up. And lately I have learned that I haven't broke that promise but I learned that, that promise could never exists. Everyone needs to grow up, to learn more about life. Life is a gift a journey. So I made a new promise, to never forget me when I was little. That was the happiest time of my life. A time when I didn't know about boys or death. I was just free. And I have realized that my child hood is the key to my career. I want to write books. I want to imagine. That is one thing I love to do. I want to do so many other things but writing is what I love to do.

I'm going through a crisis with guys and I'm just done. I'm done crying for them. I'm done being hurt and let down. I'm young. I have plenty of time for boys later. When it happens it happens. I just want to focus on me. I want to go back thinking about my career, my grades, my future. I need to get back in that zone, and build my self confidence back up. Then maybe I will shine and someone will notice. But till then........

Winter Light

When I was a kid winter time was my favorite. I felt somehow my backyard got bigger and a whole new world was there because of the snow. But now I'm just stuck inside unable to dream, to imagine like I used to. Yeah I grew up big time. But I hate being stuck here with just me. I guess you can say I have a strange fear...me. I'm terrified of myself. Why? Because once I couldn't trust myself. I will let you think that one out. But it's hard forgetting some things and hard dealing with some things. And I guess the winter light just makes me feel down. A time of wonder is now a time of sorrow. But I thought I could get by this winter but he was suddenly shattered. It's not that I'm desperate, because I do have confidence with being independant. But anyone whose anyone doesn't like being alone. But I don't think I can ever find someone without the same things happening again. I'm tired of un happy ending. Thats why this time around I'm gonna let them find me.I just hate how its always up and down and waiting for the up or the down to happen. I'm trying to just keep my mind calm and easy. But I just need something to keep me going. I just need something or someone to keep my spirit up in this sad time. And I'm still waiting....