My Partner

I closed my eyes and devoured myself in your presence. And then I just let go. And when I opened my eyes, there I was in your room. You were fast asleep dreaming in you bed. Your breathing was heavy, your body peaceful. This will only take one night, and tonight is that night. I move closure and i sit next to you. You are fast asleep, your skin in glowing with the shadow of the moon. And I gently touch your face. You stir a little but didn't wake. I hear a car from outside, so I go to the window. I thought it was his father, but it was just the neighbor. But I hear you move a little more and your eyes opened. They opened wide. He notices me and is completely scared. He begins to sit up but I race over with my finger over my lips telling him "Shhhhh its okay". He asked "Why are you here? Are you alright?" I push the hair out of my face and I look in his eyes and I tell him "I've opened it, I've embraced it, and I want to show you." I could see a glisten of hope in his eyes and curiosity. I held is face in my hands, closed my eyes, pulled him closure and kissed his forehead. A rush of magnificence rushed through my veins. And next thing I know, we are in the garden. i can feel the sun on my back. I can feel the breeze of spring in my hair. I let him adjust. His eyes are wide, and hes looking around at everything. The trees, the sky, the glow in the air. And he asks, "Where are we?" and I say "This is the garden, where my mother married my father" and then I tell him "Look down". I see him look and then his eyes sharpen, and he reaches down and picks the little green flower. "Its a four leaf clover" he says and I say, "They all are" I see him look around and what looks like grass, is all four leaf clovers. On this floor of luck my mother and my father gave their trust, luck, and love. Here is where they bonded. Hes still in amazement but he looks at me. "You did it" and he gives me a smile. Yes I've embraced how to be home and be here in this other world. And I couldn't have done it without him.

A Dream I cant let go

I look at it...I want to touch it...I just want to feel the polished wood, the whites of the keys. The ways my fingertips fall between each groove, of each note. And when I play a sound, the vibrations though the tip of my finger, through my veins, into my heart. Giving me a warm sensation. I feel like I'm flying through the air...I wonder where it goes....How can a sound make me happy? So, I play more. My fingers fly, my hand changing shape and position to round with each measure I take. The pressure when I bang on the keys, the way the floor shakes. The loudness and and the motion of the room increases. I feel as though I'm running through the wind. And it is music I play..... Music I want to play, as I stand looking at you sitting, staring in a store window....

A familiar

"LETS GO STREAKING!!!!!!!" my friend Sierra says and I immediately start unzippering my pants and un buttoning my shirt. Its just one of those nights you want to be crazy with your girlfriends and dont care what happens as long as the next morning you can say, "What an awesome night". But then Im like "Fuck it" and I say out loud, "Its TOO cold". SO instead we just run and sing really loud down broadway. Friends always are the perfect ones to let you feel silly and do whatever you want and they dont give a crap. I love them for that. Its a cold October night and we all still have summer fever in our system. The leaves are changing colors and falling. The sky is crisp and the stars are awake. My skin is tingling with the cold. I feel shivers in my knees. I adore the cold. I adore the fall. And I praise the night.

Its not too long when we all had to head back to our homes. I turn the keys and head back. The sky is amazingly clear and the moon is around. I must admit I am quite sleeping but dont worry, I can make it home. Then all of a sudden I slam on the breaks. I feel blood rushing towards my face and both hands firmly on the wheel....Im breathing heavely and staring at a black cat, she just sitting in the middle of the road. And didnt move an inch on how fast as I was coming at her. Her eyes are bright yellow, shes just staring at me, so I stared back. I was about to honk the horn when it looks to its right and gets up and walks away. I just in disbalief. What a weird cat...

I get home, put my PJS on, and crawl right into bed. Im exhausted. But that weird cat still freaked me out a bit. It was probably blind or something. I start to drift into dreamland but, I feel a presence. I open my eyes, and I can see a shadow of someone sitting at the edge of my bed.....

I sit up so quick to strike when she says, "Its alright". And I say back, "Who are you". But she stands up and comes closure to me. Shes fairly short and wearing all black. I can barely see her right infront of me. Im freaked the shit out, but its probably just my mom. Maybe something happened when I was sleeping, or maybe shes yelling at me cause Im passed my curfew.... But her voice is old, and its fragile, as she says, "I came to give you something". "You are you"? I asked, and as I do Im terrified, its clearly not my mother.
"You dont recognize me"?
"No? Should I"?
"Im an old friend, but they said you probably forgotten us. Its so sad".
"Who is they"?
She shakes her head and stands up and walks to the window. And then she repeats again, "I have something for you".
She takes something from under her robes and comes closure to me...."Take care of this, in time it will work". She gives me a bottle as big as my palm, and its very smooth and very cold.
"What is this"? I ask and she opens my window and starts to make the position to jump out. But she turns to me and rushes towards me. She gets right up in my face. Her voice is shaken, she terrified. "The time has come. It is time. Its not too early when soon things will change. This is the beginning." All these words make no sense to me I have no idea what she is talking about but before I could respond she races over to my window and just jumps out. I jump up form me bed and look out. I see nor hear nothing.

Next thing I know its morning. My window is clearly shut and looks like it was never open. "Maybe it was all a dream" I say and it had to be. It starts to fit in, I was clearly tired and how can a woman climb through my window, when I was kinda awake, and jump out? I dont know. But as I start to get up I look next to my bed, I see a little blue bottle. About the size of my of my palm. I pick it up, and I cant even open it to see whats inside....

This is all too weird. But through my window I see something in to road....Its a black cat, just staring at me and my little blue bottle.

My Moon...

Dear Moon,
I'm frightened. I'm frightened that one day I will lose you, old friend. Not because you left me. But because I left you. You are my spark, my charm, and my magic. But I feel for this next year, I am getting older. Im growing up. And sometimes things just, fade. I never wanted to grow up. But its happening. I am growing up. The thrills and chills for things long ago have vanished. I feel as though I am the normal human being. My front yard used to be another world. Now its just there. The trees no longer speak to me. They've hidden in their roots. I promised her I wouldnt. And she knew I wouldnt, she believed in me. But I have not seen her, for awhile. Are you there? All of you? Watching me and remembering me? I dont know anymore. I've always felt I was strange and different. But she always put it as 'special'. But I never known myself from this peice of land. From these walls. I once told my mother that I never ever want to move because I have something special here I cant take with me. But now, I'm willing to leave that behind. And its something that I can never have again, something that is one and a million. And it burns in my skin to see how much I have changed. How normal I have become...So moon, I need you to always follow me. Always be there when I need you. Make me remember everything I once believed in. Make me stay awake through the nights. Dont lose faith in me.

Your friend....

Come throw rocks at my window....

I'm not tired...But I don't feel alert either. It feels as though time is standing still during this one night. I sense that pleasure inside me...You're coming to visit me tonight.

I try not to think. Because when I do, then it doesn't feel real. I just try to focus on the darkness of my room and wait till I sense something in the air has changed. I don't know who you are or even what you are. But you give me hope. I feel as though you are my angel looking over me and finding me when ever I never expect it. I come out of my daze and look around my room. Its messy like any teenagers room. But it also has essentials I know most teenagers don't have. Dead flowers, trinkets of fairies and bottles of different sorts and color, books on ancient practices of witchcraft and wicca mixed in with the traditional bible. And of course my random piles of papers, journals, and notebooks. So much thinking goes on in my head, I have to put it somewhere. I have a side to me that my friends don't know...And I have some secrets I've only told a few. It's not that I'm afraid they wont believe me it's the fact that those memories are so precious...I don't want to spoil them.....

I look outside and all the lights on houses have been turned off and its now 3:56 in the morning. I feel the energy and I want to believe you're here, but I know deep inside you're not yet. I feel slightly tired to I just lay down on the soft pillow and rest my eyes. Its so comfortable the feeling of your own bed. And then I get a picture of you in my head because you were once here on this bed with me...I become sad as all the good memories float in my mind. But then I stop myself. I wont get sad about that anymore its time to move on. I have great friends and family and its a new summer and...I suddenly open my eyes.....and I hold my breath....

I leak a little smile and breathe as I feel you stoke my face gently. And I close my eyes as I just feel and don't think. I see his eyes in my mind. There blue like the sky on a quiet morning. And his hair golden like the sun shining through the window. I just feel so strong, stable, safe when he comes. he scoots closure and I feel myself falling into sleep. I feel warmth. I feel comfort and love. I let my head fall on yours and then you kiss my forehead. I feel the sleep wanting to devour me but I want to stay awake with him, but I wont last much longer. Then, I hear you whisper in my ear, "I love you". With the littlest ounce of being awake a say back , "I love you Scott" and I fall into dream land....

Good Night

And then sometimes...I just listen to the rain. I feel as though a voice inside me is telling me to reach out. And sharing these words of wisdom that I never knew were in me. Sometimes I feel so blessed because I know what matters most, and I see life for what it is. But it's hard to hold a candle in the rain...Sometimes the light goes out and I forget these words. Which means I need to learn something new. I need to grow a little more. And each time I do, I cry, I hate, I feel pain. But then, I just smile because I then realize you were just showing me something more. Making me a stronger, wiser, a more appreciative woman. Maybe sometimes its ok to hate life. As long as you're strong and can tell yourself "Its gonna get better" then the pain and suffering goes away and you feel light. Like the candle is burning, brightly. But you have to be strong. You have to learn and teach yourself to except pain to except defeat. And find the strength somewhere inside you to say its goona be ok. You have to take hold of your life and tell yourself this is your time. This is your life and make it the best. Don't dwell on the pain, when you can be making the best memories of you history. So then one day you can read your diary when you are old in age and remember the times that were the best. The times that you loved and hated. The time when you were jaded but conquered. A time when you reached a happiness that made you who you are. I promise it will be ok....

I'm shackled by mirrors reflecting my indecency

I don't know why I'm here or how I even got here. But I am cuffed around the wrists and ankles. And I am trapped and need to get out. I get up and with all my might try and break the chains. I'm falling backwards. And then I try again. But my chains pull me back and make me fly till i bash into the ground. I don't care about the blood trickling down from my wrists and ankles. I just want to be set free. I give up, for now, and just sit in the dark. The only light is grey and coming from a sky light way high up. I see black all around me and a big tall mirror to which I am chained too. It looks a thousand years old with its silver frame. I stare into my eyes. They're dead and drained from tears, my skin is pale, and the color from me has faded. I feel dark. I feel like a ghost of nothingness. Just empty...I feel my skin and I am cold. I look back into my eyes, and then everything changes. I see myself but not in chains, I see myself as of 3 years ago. I'm chubbier and my hair was long and in pig tails. And then I realize where I am, or was. I begin to panic, my eyes begin bursting with tears. I see him, I see his head, his face, the dead eyes that never rolled back into his head. I scream and cover my eyes. A big gust of emotions and feelings run through my veins. I felt this chill blood I felt death again. I scream "NO" and I am back to looking at the present me. I wait a few minutes...and then I stand and touch the mirror. And then my hand touches your face. My tears still fall because in this moment you love me again. I am so happy. But your smile fades. "No" I say. "No please come back!" You turn and walk away. And you leave with another girl. "NO!" I scream again. And with both my fists pound on the mirror. "You are supposed to love me!" And I continue to punch the living shit out of the mirror. And then I stop. The mirror is cracked, I look down at my hands and they are covered with blood. I slowly look back at the mirror. And then....I see me as a child. I'm running through the green grass. My hair is so long and blond flying through the wind. I have the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy. I loved life. Then I see me suddenly stop.....I have the biggest fear in my eyes. And then I watch as a man comes and takes me away and I see my little self screaming. I grab that mirror and shout "LET GO OF HER! LET HER BE! STOP IT! STOP THIS!" I began to lash out. I kick I punch I scream till that mirror and the images of me are broken. I feel my hands crush into the glass and the stinging pain each time. But I want the pain I want the burn so I keep going. My tears are drowning me but I don't care. This is the window into my past, the past that will never go away never let me go. I use all my energy against it and then fall. I look at my hands again and I see glass pieces in my skin. I have blood stains all of my body. I look all around me at the broken glass. I see one where I see my face. I take it in my hands and hold it up to my face, "Why me? Why did my happiness be taken away so many times...?" I hold the piece of glass and squeeze it tightly and I look up into the sky light....and then the light....it begins to shine brighter brighter brighter and brighter