A familiar

"LETS GO STREAKING!!!!!!!" my friend Sierra says and I immediately start unzippering my pants and un buttoning my shirt. Its just one of those nights you want to be crazy with your girlfriends and dont care what happens as long as the next morning you can say, "What an awesome night". But then Im like "Fuck it" and I say out loud, "Its TOO cold". SO instead we just run and sing really loud down broadway. Friends always are the perfect ones to let you feel silly and do whatever you want and they dont give a crap. I love them for that. Its a cold October night and we all still have summer fever in our system. The leaves are changing colors and falling. The sky is crisp and the stars are awake. My skin is tingling with the cold. I feel shivers in my knees. I adore the cold. I adore the fall. And I praise the night.

Its not too long when we all had to head back to our homes. I turn the keys and head back. The sky is amazingly clear and the moon is around. I must admit I am quite sleeping but dont worry, I can make it home. Then all of a sudden I slam on the breaks. I feel blood rushing towards my face and both hands firmly on the wheel....Im breathing heavely and staring at a black cat, she just sitting in the middle of the road. And didnt move an inch on how fast as I was coming at her. Her eyes are bright yellow, shes just staring at me, so I stared back. I was about to honk the horn when it looks to its right and gets up and walks away. I just in disbalief. What a weird cat...

I get home, put my PJS on, and crawl right into bed. Im exhausted. But that weird cat still freaked me out a bit. It was probably blind or something. I start to drift into dreamland but, I feel a presence. I open my eyes, and I can see a shadow of someone sitting at the edge of my bed.....

I sit up so quick to strike when she says, "Its alright". And I say back, "Who are you". But she stands up and comes closure to me. Shes fairly short and wearing all black. I can barely see her right infront of me. Im freaked the shit out, but its probably just my mom. Maybe something happened when I was sleeping, or maybe shes yelling at me cause Im passed my curfew.... But her voice is old, and its fragile, as she says, "I came to give you something". "You are you"? I asked, and as I do Im terrified, its clearly not my mother.
"You dont recognize me"?
"No? Should I"?
"Im an old friend, but they said you probably forgotten us. Its so sad".
"Who is they"?
She shakes her head and stands up and walks to the window. And then she repeats again, "I have something for you".
She takes something from under her robes and comes closure to me...."Take care of this, in time it will work". She gives me a bottle as big as my palm, and its very smooth and very cold.
"What is this"? I ask and she opens my window and starts to make the position to jump out. But she turns to me and rushes towards me. She gets right up in my face. Her voice is shaken, she terrified. "The time has come. It is time. Its not too early when soon things will change. This is the beginning." All these words make no sense to me I have no idea what she is talking about but before I could respond she races over to my window and just jumps out. I jump up form me bed and look out. I see nor hear nothing.

Next thing I know its morning. My window is clearly shut and looks like it was never open. "Maybe it was all a dream" I say and it had to be. It starts to fit in, I was clearly tired and how can a woman climb through my window, when I was kinda awake, and jump out? I dont know. But as I start to get up I look next to my bed, I see a little blue bottle. About the size of my of my palm. I pick it up, and I cant even open it to see whats inside....

This is all too weird. But through my window I see something in to road....Its a black cat, just staring at me and my little blue bottle.

My Moon...

Dear Moon,
I'm frightened. I'm frightened that one day I will lose you, old friend. Not because you left me. But because I left you. You are my spark, my charm, and my magic. But I feel for this next year, I am getting older. Im growing up. And sometimes things just, fade. I never wanted to grow up. But its happening. I am growing up. The thrills and chills for things long ago have vanished. I feel as though I am the normal human being. My front yard used to be another world. Now its just there. The trees no longer speak to me. They've hidden in their roots. I promised her I wouldnt. And she knew I wouldnt, she believed in me. But I have not seen her, for awhile. Are you there? All of you? Watching me and remembering me? I dont know anymore. I've always felt I was strange and different. But she always put it as 'special'. But I never known myself from this peice of land. From these walls. I once told my mother that I never ever want to move because I have something special here I cant take with me. But now, I'm willing to leave that behind. And its something that I can never have again, something that is one and a million. And it burns in my skin to see how much I have changed. How normal I have become...So moon, I need you to always follow me. Always be there when I need you. Make me remember everything I once believed in. Make me stay awake through the nights. Dont lose faith in me.

Your friend....

Come throw rocks at my window....

I'm not tired...But I don't feel alert either. It feels as though time is standing still during this one night. I sense that pleasure inside me...You're coming to visit me tonight.

I try not to think. Because when I do, then it doesn't feel real. I just try to focus on the darkness of my room and wait till I sense something in the air has changed. I don't know who you are or even what you are. But you give me hope. I feel as though you are my angel looking over me and finding me when ever I never expect it. I come out of my daze and look around my room. Its messy like any teenagers room. But it also has essentials I know most teenagers don't have. Dead flowers, trinkets of fairies and bottles of different sorts and color, books on ancient practices of witchcraft and wicca mixed in with the traditional bible. And of course my random piles of papers, journals, and notebooks. So much thinking goes on in my head, I have to put it somewhere. I have a side to me that my friends don't know...And I have some secrets I've only told a few. It's not that I'm afraid they wont believe me it's the fact that those memories are so precious...I don't want to spoil them.....

I look outside and all the lights on houses have been turned off and its now 3:56 in the morning. I feel the energy and I want to believe you're here, but I know deep inside you're not yet. I feel slightly tired to I just lay down on the soft pillow and rest my eyes. Its so comfortable the feeling of your own bed. And then I get a picture of you in my head because you were once here on this bed with me...I become sad as all the good memories float in my mind. But then I stop myself. I wont get sad about that anymore its time to move on. I have great friends and family and its a new summer and...I suddenly open my eyes.....and I hold my breath....

I leak a little smile and breathe as I feel you stoke my face gently. And I close my eyes as I just feel and don't think. I see his eyes in my mind. There blue like the sky on a quiet morning. And his hair golden like the sun shining through the window. I just feel so strong, stable, safe when he comes. he scoots closure and I feel myself falling into sleep. I feel warmth. I feel comfort and love. I let my head fall on yours and then you kiss my forehead. I feel the sleep wanting to devour me but I want to stay awake with him, but I wont last much longer. Then, I hear you whisper in my ear, "I love you". With the littlest ounce of being awake a say back , "I love you Scott" and I fall into dream land....

Good Night

And then sometimes...I just listen to the rain. I feel as though a voice inside me is telling me to reach out. And sharing these words of wisdom that I never knew were in me. Sometimes I feel so blessed because I know what matters most, and I see life for what it is. But it's hard to hold a candle in the rain...Sometimes the light goes out and I forget these words. Which means I need to learn something new. I need to grow a little more. And each time I do, I cry, I hate, I feel pain. But then, I just smile because I then realize you were just showing me something more. Making me a stronger, wiser, a more appreciative woman. Maybe sometimes its ok to hate life. As long as you're strong and can tell yourself "Its gonna get better" then the pain and suffering goes away and you feel light. Like the candle is burning, brightly. But you have to be strong. You have to learn and teach yourself to except pain to except defeat. And find the strength somewhere inside you to say its goona be ok. You have to take hold of your life and tell yourself this is your time. This is your life and make it the best. Don't dwell on the pain, when you can be making the best memories of you history. So then one day you can read your diary when you are old in age and remember the times that were the best. The times that you loved and hated. The time when you were jaded but conquered. A time when you reached a happiness that made you who you are. I promise it will be ok....

I'm shackled by mirrors reflecting my indecency

I don't know why I'm here or how I even got here. But I am cuffed around the wrists and ankles. And I am trapped and need to get out. I get up and with all my might try and break the chains. I'm falling backwards. And then I try again. But my chains pull me back and make me fly till i bash into the ground. I don't care about the blood trickling down from my wrists and ankles. I just want to be set free. I give up, for now, and just sit in the dark. The only light is grey and coming from a sky light way high up. I see black all around me and a big tall mirror to which I am chained too. It looks a thousand years old with its silver frame. I stare into my eyes. They're dead and drained from tears, my skin is pale, and the color from me has faded. I feel dark. I feel like a ghost of nothingness. Just empty...I feel my skin and I am cold. I look back into my eyes, and then everything changes. I see myself but not in chains, I see myself as of 3 years ago. I'm chubbier and my hair was long and in pig tails. And then I realize where I am, or was. I begin to panic, my eyes begin bursting with tears. I see him, I see his head, his face, the dead eyes that never rolled back into his head. I scream and cover my eyes. A big gust of emotions and feelings run through my veins. I felt this chill blood I felt death again. I scream "NO" and I am back to looking at the present me. I wait a few minutes...and then I stand and touch the mirror. And then my hand touches your face. My tears still fall because in this moment you love me again. I am so happy. But your smile fades. "No" I say. "No please come back!" You turn and walk away. And you leave with another girl. "NO!" I scream again. And with both my fists pound on the mirror. "You are supposed to love me!" And I continue to punch the living shit out of the mirror. And then I stop. The mirror is cracked, I look down at my hands and they are covered with blood. I slowly look back at the mirror. And then....I see me as a child. I'm running through the green grass. My hair is so long and blond flying through the wind. I have the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy. I loved life. Then I see me suddenly stop.....I have the biggest fear in my eyes. And then I watch as a man comes and takes me away and I see my little self screaming. I grab that mirror and shout "LET GO OF HER! LET HER BE! STOP IT! STOP THIS!" I began to lash out. I kick I punch I scream till that mirror and the images of me are broken. I feel my hands crush into the glass and the stinging pain each time. But I want the pain I want the burn so I keep going. My tears are drowning me but I don't care. This is the window into my past, the past that will never go away never let me go. I use all my energy against it and then fall. I look at my hands again and I see glass pieces in my skin. I have blood stains all of my body. I look all around me at the broken glass. I see one where I see my face. I take it in my hands and hold it up to my face, "Why me? Why did my happiness be taken away so many times...?" I hold the piece of glass and squeeze it tightly and I look up into the sky light....and then the light....it begins to shine brighter brighter brighter and brighter

The ones that truly love you will find a way to come back....

We hold hands in a circle as we await the prisoner. I always hate this part for I am the one always who wants to forgive and forget. And these prisoners are humans which half I am, half of my family...So I feel like a traitor, myself. The doors open with a loud jolt and we hear the two men dragging the prisoner so it's feet are behind . I can't see anything yet but I know it's a man. He is entered into the circle and dropped to the ground on his stomach and his head is laying right in front of me. His hands look bruised and his knuckles bloody from a fist fight. His hair is dirty but with blond streaks.
"What is his crime?" The head master asks.
"Causing a scene in public, a fight with another man" Says one of the guards.
"And this fight, how did it start?"
"I guess the other man accused him of stealing and he got mad."
Then my head master leaves the circle to get a cup of water. He pours it straight on to the mans face. Soon you hear movement and he begins to wake. He starts to lift himself up and his face looks straight at mine. And my heart stops...I know this human. Yes it must be him I thought. No one has those eyes. The eyes of blue with the gold center. And his hair yes, the same dirty blond and it still looks soft even though he has been roughed up. He reaches for his mouth and groans and notices its bleeding. His lips stained with blood but still lushes. He is much builder and older then I have last saw him, but I know it is him. How can this be the same man I have known and loved so long ago when we were so young. And he is the one I truly have broken for I left him to come here. I left him with the lie of me, the lie of how I am different. For so long I have tried and forget him but for so long he has tortured me for I could never stop loving him. He sits on his knees and acknowledges everyone standing in a circle around him. And a sudden look of confusion is locked on his face.
"What the hell is this?" He asks with a cocky tone in his voice.
My head master steps forward and states, " You are accused with starting a fight in the public market. Do you deny this?"
"No" He says and he doesn't seem ashamed of it.
"Good, then you know the punishment when you have beaten someone else..." and he answered
"I do". I began to worry now, yes I know the rules and regulations. But I cannot watch him be beaten and tortured.
I see my master with the whip and I panic, and I know I shouldn't but I can't stand him going through anymore pain. He winds up and "STOP!" I scream. He looks at me with horror because I have spoke out of conduct. "What?" he says with anger. "I'm sorry but Master, I know this human and I cannot let you hurt him for he means so much to me." Everyone in my pack have looked at me with disgust for non of them understand how I am affectionate to humans. He puts the whip down and asks "You wish to just, let him go? That is against our order I will not allow it!"
"No no Master I wish to take him as a prisoner and have you hand him over to me and let me take care of him. Please Master for I am half human and he is someone that belongs to my human half. I need him."
There is a long pause and I know he does not like this. I see that the prisoner who I am trying to save does not remember me, he looks at me with such confusion it makes me sad. But he will not let this opportunity of a way out let by.
" But he broke the law he deserves to be punished"
"But his act of fighting maybe something of a human state a human mental disability that I can help with. I know him and I know he did not steal and just fought out of anger he could not control. Please let me take care of him and watch over him and show you he can change..."
My master is the only one you takes my human acts in and understands that I cannot help it either. And we share a great trust with each other. He thinks long and hard then looks at me.
"Ok young one, but if he does another act of no good deed I will have to punish him"
"I understand Master and you can trust me he wont"
I feel the tenseness in the room of my other elders and I know they are upset with me, rather my human me. But I refuse to hide my human half for it its who I am too. They just have to except that. They all scattered and I am left with my prisoner. He looks the same, easy going not thinking hes in great danger.
"Come" I say "Let me bandage you up". I take him back to my room. He does not say a word which I find highly uncomfortable and disterbing. I sit him down and take a wet towel and begin washing his hands. They're the same hands I remember, they are still soft to the touch. We do not share words but I know he is looking at me. I know he is trying to remember who I am, who is this person that saved him? I knew it will be hard to explain everything when the time comes, but I know that time has to come soon for we cannot sit in silence forever. When his hands are washed I finally meet his eyes. Oh how i have missed them...
"So umm thank you for saving me out there, but you didn't have to I could've taken it" His voice is deeper and more rough then I remember.
I smile for I know he would have complained about the pain to himself later but feel like he was a great warrior for taking a whipping. I simply say "I know".
He looks at me still with that puzzled look and asks, "Who are you"? I smile again and say, "I am someone who you probably forgotton long ago for I told you to. I am an old friend, an old lover from when we were 16" From looking down I feel his hand on my chin as he pulls my head up to look me in the eyes. He pushes the hair out of my face and his expression now is shock. And mine too for he does remember me! My eyes begin to water and his mouth is hanging open. And now he simply says, "I cannot believe it".

All I want is ti Rock your Soul

So its been awhile.....

And the grass is green. The flowers are in bloom. The trees are filled with the greenest leaves. Summer is arriving. And with that the sun. The sun is my humble friend and my role model. I have always felt like I am the rain. I am the water to wash the pain away. I am what falls on your cheeks to make you look like tears. For it always seems the faults and negatives over power my positives. And I want to be like the sun. To shine on your day and make you smile up at me. Brightness...warmth....intensity...serenity....happiness. Eternal happiness that's what I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But you can't buy happiness and you can't buy the sun. You need sacrifice you need a journey to get there. You can't have the ending result the outcome without the process. Like having a baby. You can't have that little miracle without going through all the uncomfortable annoying pain of pregnancy. But you get something great in the end.

So why am I bringing this up? Just sometimes I get down...And I mean down. Like debby downer SO down. And I don't know why. I just do. Yes I am mentally disable at times but hey everyone's got their problems and I can handle mine...At times. Just this time it was hard. I felt anger, pain, and betrayal that really blew me away and made me feel physical pain. And it was because I was experiencing a new sort of internal issue. The issue of liking something that you shouldn't. The one where your head says "NO" but your heart says "yes"......And its difficult to listen to 2 totally different sides of you constantly. I mean who can do that without being a little emotional. But which one do you listen to? The one that just makes sense that you should say no and walk away. But when you did, you felt wrong....like you totally went against everything and everyone. But to me what matters is me being happy. And if that means being "wrong" in some sorts then I have to do it. I shouldn't have to follow what other people think anyways. I'm a big girl I can make descisions on my own. And I can make mistakes on my own. I guess its like proving everyone wrong trying to find your answer to make it right.


My life will never be simple....My life will never be easy....But one thing I have learned is be thankful for what you do have. And what you could do.