And at the end of every reinbow, there is a pot of gold waiting for you....

It has been quite sometime since I have written something....


But a lot has happened in the past couple months. I did some soul searching which is always good and healthy. What did I find on my quest? That I am someone special, and I don't need a guy to tell me that. That it's always better to love yourself before you start to love someone else. And just in time, and in a desperate search someone walked in on my life. My life has been quite enjoyable because of him. And because I know what I want to do with my life. I want to play piano. I felt I wasn't good enough to be a music major. But who really is? Its not about how many notes you can play and how fast you can play them. Its about heart. And my heart lies on the piano. I love to play. I feel it brings me to this new zone and new view of life. Its a ride each time I play. And when you're ever on a fun ride you hate it when its over. So I'm gonna let this ride keep going. I'm going to keep playing and I want to go to school for it. Maybe one day I can play on a stage infront of millions. Or write my own or play for someone. I dunno thats the fun part I have a lot of options. I can see myself as a musician. I thought I should be a psychologist....But I can't see myself as a doctor...

So I guess what I'm trying to tell you is really don't let what you think get in the way of what you feel. If you want to do it then do it. Don't let what they think is right get in the way of what you think is right. You will feel much happier if you follow your own heart.

So I think the last couple times I have been in love thats something I lost. I lost who I was and what I enjoy about myself. But now I'm finding those things again. I'm just being myself I guess. See I felt desperate to be happy after my heart was broken because I didn't have anything.....I lost myself. I spent all my time and energy thinking about making them happy when I didn't make myself happy. Thats why I was so depressed. So even if my heart gets broken again which I pray it wont I feel I wont be totally lost. I will have myself to fall back on.

Thats the way its gotta be. You can't lose yourself for someone else. You must have yourself for someone else.....

And Here We Go Again

I pray to you because you're supposed to follow through
And I never really said thank you
I guess I believe in you
But you're still hard to read sometimes
I don't know what you're trying to teach me
But I know you're doing it because you believe in me

Sometimes I want to know if the answer can just be myself
That I don't need someone else to make me happy
But with each new step I take someone else is always along for the ride
Is it selfish to say I don't mind?
Maybe these aren't steps
I don't believe my life is already planned out
I'm just going along for the ride
But when it comes to the one you love
I just feel you are destined to be together
You just have to make up the story to find them

So I guess what I'm trying to say is
Thank you for keeping my life interesting
And answering my prayers
Really....

Afraid of Lonely

I'm running. I don't look back and I push my legs harder and I go faster. I feel my tears quickly falling from my face. I don't know where I'm going. But I don't care I have to move.
"Come back!" I hear you scream and your steps quicken behind me. I do not say anything and let my speed show him. I see the sunset ahead of me and maybe just maybe I will just fall off the Earth. Then I wouldn't have to confront you, I wouldn't have to confront myself. Why did you follow me? Why did you meet me? Why are you here!?
Dust flies up and fills my eyes. I try and use my tears to brush it away. Then I feel the sweat on my forehead. How long has he been chasing me? When will he give up? Will he ever? I keep going I can't look at him. I can't fall for those eyes. But then a sudden jult and I trip and roll across the hard dirt. I feel the sting of the scratches on my arms and hands. Then I feel the tiredness in my legs and I can't get up from how worn out they are. But then I feel the hands of him pull me up. I try and get free but I can't hes too strong. "Let go of me" I shout and cry. "I'm not letting you go! Just listen to me" He says and he tries to look into my eyes but I refuse. His hands slide from my arms to my wrists and he holds them together. "Why are you running from me?" He says and hes no longer shouting. "Just leave me alone, let me go" I say and I feel my tiredness go to me head and my eyes begin to close. I begin to fall and he quickly realizes and pulls his arms around me. He sits down and i fall on his lap. My head rest on his shoulder and I feel his heart beating. The steady rhythm makes me calm. He shouldn't be here. I should just have fallen to my death not to his arms. But I'm so tired and aggravated I begin to cry. He slowly rocks me and doesn't say a word. There is nothing around us. Just wide open space. The ground is tan filled with sand and rocks. Its so flat that the big red sun is a perfect half circle. Its shining so bright on us. I can feel its heat and my skin tingle. But I'm drifting to sleep. But I want to keep running. I want to open my mouth to scream. But I can't. I can't lose him but I know I will. I can see the deep red of the sun behind my eye lids. I can feel myself falling into darkness. My head falls back and he starts to cradel me like a baby. Then I finally open my eyes. I see those deep blue eyes. I see his own tear stains and the dirt in his wrinkles. His hair is gently flowing in the breeze and I just admire everything about him while he keeps looking in my eyes. Hes perfect. He is my everything but I am just afriad that he will not be here. What if he stops loving me? What if somehow we separate? I can't wait for that. Because my heart and breaking always seems to happen. But yet, he makes me feel like he is brining to life more then just my heart. How did he find me? Why me?.... With whats left of my strength I reach up and touch his skin. Its rough but warm. He nuzzles in my hand and I find the blue in his eyes again. And then I say "I love you too".

We fall, so we can learn and pick ourselves back up

Sometimes I feel like an old woman in a 16 years old's body. I guess who can say I have matured pretty quickly. And no I do not mean matured as in I had big boobs early. I have been through a lot and I have grown a lot for just 16 years. Its amazing how little I have been on the Earth. But everyone goes through a stage when they ask themselves, "Who am I"? I'm still learning who I am. But I think knowing who you are and what you believe in is the key thing for going through this difficult stage. I used to be this loner child, that all I did was climb trees and sing songs. I had the biggest imagination. I made a promise to myself that I would never grow up. And lately I have learned that I haven't broke that promise but I learned that, that promise could never exists. Everyone needs to grow up, to learn more about life. Life is a gift a journey. So I made a new promise, to never forget me when I was little. That was the happiest time of my life. A time when I didn't know about boys or death. I was just free. And I have realized that my child hood is the key to my career. I want to write books. I want to imagine. That is one thing I love to do. I want to do so many other things but writing is what I love to do.

I'm going through a crisis with guys and I'm just done. I'm done crying for them. I'm done being hurt and let down. I'm young. I have plenty of time for boys later. When it happens it happens. I just want to focus on me. I want to go back thinking about my career, my grades, my future. I need to get back in that zone, and build my self confidence back up. Then maybe I will shine and someone will notice. But till then........

Winter Light

When I was a kid winter time was my favorite. I felt somehow my backyard got bigger and a whole new world was there because of the snow. But now I'm just stuck inside unable to dream, to imagine like I used to. Yeah I grew up big time. But I hate being stuck here with just me. I guess you can say I have a strange fear...me. I'm terrified of myself. Why? Because once I couldn't trust myself. I will let you think that one out. But it's hard forgetting some things and hard dealing with some things. And I guess the winter light just makes me feel down. A time of wonder is now a time of sorrow. But I thought I could get by this winter but he was suddenly shattered. It's not that I'm desperate, because I do have confidence with being independant. But anyone whose anyone doesn't like being alone. But I don't think I can ever find someone without the same things happening again. I'm tired of un happy ending. Thats why this time around I'm gonna let them find me.I just hate how its always up and down and waiting for the up or the down to happen. I'm trying to just keep my mind calm and easy. But I just need something to keep me going. I just need something or someone to keep my spirit up in this sad time. And I'm still waiting....

For You

I don't know who you were.
I don't know what you were doing, or even thinking.
But if you can hear me you have haunted me. And I'm sorry I saw you...like that. No ones fate should have been yours. You have changed me, but it's for the better. Things happen for a reason and things happen from other things. I didn't know your name. And it's horrible I didn't know you when you were alive. I have sacrificed a lot. And you a life. But I'm okay. I am still struggling and probably always will be. But I'm okay. Because of you I have learned to live life to the fullest. And I am. I'm going to live and be heard. Maybe you did. Maybe you were at your happiest, but I will never know that. I just want to find my happiness. I don't know what it is, but I know it's out there somewhere. I can feel the space where its going to fill. I'm not gonna give up my life till I find it. I'm not going back to the dark. I will work for this. I learned not to take life for granted anymore. I have grown into a young woman. I have seen the darkest days and I have been in the breath of death. Even my own. But look at me now. I am still here. I am bright too. I have smiled and cried from laughing. How? I sometimes ask myself. How am I still here? But I am. I have been given a chance to live. It was given to me when I was born. But I never grasped it till now. Till I saw you there. Till I realized it all could leave. Everything could leave. I could leave. I want life and I'm living it. I am crying because I have forgotten the day I left fresh water. What I felt. And it feels so right. I am not whole. But time will heal that. I deserve happiness. Everyone does. And that's all I want. And I have it...Love. I have love in my heart. For my family for my friends. I love and I am loved. And that people is what is keeping me alive. That's why I know that my happiness is love. One day I will find love and one day my love will grow. And that is what I am living for. For love. For me. For them. That's all I need. So thank you whoever you are for making me realize this. If it's God if its me of if its the man who I do not know. Thank you for my suffering that made me strong. Thank you for not giving up on me. And thank you for blessing me with love. Thank you for life. Thank you for my familty for my friends. For all my animals. For the seasons. For the sun. For the rain. for music. For my future nephew to come. For me. Thank you for giving me the blessing to live. And I will. Thank you.

When tears are not enough...

I feel the sensation to cry. But I just can't. Is it because I do not want to show that you have hurt me? That I want to forget you and be strong...
What did I do? Can't you listen to your own heart and hear and do what you want to do? Not what he says or she says. Why did you pull me in so much and just push me off the cliff? You felt no compassion for me. You didn't listen to anything I said or even what you said. You just followed others. And you pulled me along with you! What am I to you? What am I?
No warning what so ever. And you just let me go, like that. And if I do cry its because I hate you. I hate you so much for playing with my heart. I hate you for bringing me on the high and just leaving me there. I hate you for listening to your friend and loving yourself more then me. And i feel sorry for you. I also hate how your friend (who I thought was mine too) had to always be on my back. Making me feel bad. And I know he was a part of all this. Because he wanted to. So I hate him to. But I refuse to mourn on you. My anger over shadows that too much.