From the Outside Looking In

I cry in the shower so my tears won't show

I listen to my heart beat so know one will know

My fears are rushing, overwhelming my mind

You don't know how it feels

When I'm hiding from the inside looking in

You taught me how to crawl

From your words I learned it all

You can't leave me yet

I'm falling from the deep end

Running with no balance

Hovering above me, looking at my shadow

No you don't know how it feels

When the room turns all black

No you don't know how it feels from the inside

Looking in...

Falling a little deeper

My breath gets that much harder

I haven't done it all

I feel so small



Striving for Something More

Lately, I have been feeling frustrated with a little mix of lost. I'm starting to realize that life is really shorter then it seems. That time is flying by too fast and things are happening so quickly I do re-winds in my mind to make sure they actually happened. I've come to terms that I have to do something with my life. I have to make a difference and be able to look back when I'm old and grey and say "Wow, I did it. I lived the life". But what am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be. I feel frustrated because I don't know exactly what I want to do. So I feel I'm wasting time on reaching that  goal of a fulfilled life.
But I think my other problem is doubt. I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. My mother told me the other day that a week before her first marriage she wanted to back out. But she doubted her strength to stand up for herself and she never did. It later ended with her getting divorced and missing out on a time for her to be independent and maybe do something with her life...
Its sad, but I never want to be like my mother. I look at her and love her but feel sorry for her. She never did what she wanted to do. She never became who she wanted to see herself be. She looks in the mirror and sees someone that she never thought she would see. She sees regret. She regrets almost everything she has done and drinks it all away every night. I have tried many times to tell her how she has done good in this world, but it seems to have done nothing. Almost like she is slowly drowning everyday and sinking deeper and deeper.
I never want to grow old and feel regret. I never want to think of myself and feel guilty. I never want to say "What if". I have to focus on who I want to become. I have to come to terms that maybe there isn't one thing that I'm supposed to be. Maybe there are numerous things that I am supposed to do in my lifetime. I want to be a singer. It has been my dream since I was a little girl....I want to do something with my grandfather's company. Be an executive or just some big important office woman. I want to be a wife to a wrestler and travel all around the world and support him and be his #1 fan. I want to be a mother and have a big family and teach my children that the world is beautiful and so are they...

I have to do it all...

My moon again...

Dear Old Friend,

I have not seen  you for quite some time. I know you are still there I just haven't had the time to stop, and say hello. Yes, I know I have been a terrible friend. But do not blame me. For I have grown up and taken responsibility. No longer do I spend my evening dreaming of magic, but instead trying to silence my thoughts and rub my tired eyes. I feel I must decide my destiny in this hour glass of a life, I hope you can understand.

Am I living each day to the fullest?
I'm trying...

Am I supposed to be something great in this world?
Yes...

I need you to help me find the answers and help me sort through the thoughts that don't matter. I feel like I am lighting little candles inside me, but soon they burn out. Give me the fire, burn the whole bush. I want to feel that burn and desire that you told me about. You made me believe in it and want it so bad. But should I go against everything that makes sense? Does that even make sense?

I think you're right...I know the one thing I do love that seems to fit into every empty slot inside me that I have. I push it away because I am scared. I'm scared of failure. But I rather try and fail, then never try at all. Okay, you've convinced me I must do this. Thank you old friend. I know you would always be there for me. I promise to never forget you.

Your friend...

All forever.

All is lost....All is gone...All alone in the sand....With all that is lost.
"I have nothing anymore"
My hands are dirty and my heart is broken. I could I have been so careless how could you have gone? I lay with my tears staining the earth. Oh how I miss your touch. You hands with so much warmth. How I lay precious in your arms. How I held your face in my hands and I kiss your soft lips. How my love for you is so unbreakable no one can harm it. I would feel so alone in this world without you. But yet now, all is lost. Was it just a dream? My destiny? But I want to chase my dreams I want to chase my destiny. For once I want to follow through with something that is worth fighting for.
I see light.
I feel a tug at my clothes. I turn and look behind me and staring up at me is a little boy.
"I know your face"
And when I look up, I see you coming towards me.
You come closer and closer. You come arms length in front of me....You say....
"All is not lost"
I stare at amazement. He is standing in front of me now, they both are.
"I told you, if you ran I would chase you"
I couldn't help but to smile.
All is not lost, he is here. He is the same as he was. He is the love of my life. I have not changed I am still here. I love him so much. He is so strong and brave. For he can save someone as precious as me. I run into his arms and place his face in my hand and kiss his soft lips. All was never lost.

my freedom

All I want you to do is understand. Just find that simple peace inside of you. I don't want to convince you I just want you to find it in yourself. I want you to feel the love I feel without working so hard. Just let go.

I need this place to survive. I need to find that inner glow in me I get when I come here. I'm not who I am if I do not come here. It holds my adventure my spirit. No one can take that away from me, no one will. I will not sit here and explain it to you if you do not understand it the way I do. I will simply go there without you.

You have to understand...This is who I am. I dream of dreams that cannot happen. I think of things that are not real. But I love that about me. Because I am not afraid to. I like to imagine and create things. That just my character. You will probably never understand and I don't care. Just let me do it, and don't laugh at me, don't put it down. For then I will not have respect for what you dream and admire.

Let me imagine and dream. Just let me be free.

All That I'm After

Just give me a feel.

I want to taste this new feeling.

Give me a chance I want to take down these walls.

I'll do whatever it takes to make you believe me.

I'll give you a reason to never look down upon me.

I just want to be happy, I get this life once.

With new ideas and feelings I never thought I had.

With new hopes and dreams I never knew I wanted.

Feet coarse from tough roads.

Eyes fierce from deep stares.

Scares fading from bleeding enemies.

I'm no longer scared.

I'm no longer worried to look down upon me.

I'll keep coming back to the side of the road.

It will be awaken.

The story will written.

The story will begin.

A thought....

All my life I've felt I have lived, for a purpose. I am living to change the world. When I was a child I used to play and have missions with my imaginary friends that needed my help. That needed me. I miss them. For when I was young and filled with imagination, everything was easy. But things are different now, and I guess all I want is to go back to that state of mind. Even if it's just for one more day.

Growing up, I have forgotten that feeling of dreaming. To dream and think was my favorite thing to do. But now, I realize I have to act. I want to find my passion and I want to pursue a goal. I don't know what it is yet, but I have some ideas.

And after all these years, I cant hide the fact that I am scared to be alone. I don't like to be alone. And I've always felt my whole life, I was missing something. I want things to go right. But this time, I don't want to think about it. I just want to enjoy my time, and appreciate what and who I have. I want to fight this time. I want to make this work. I guess you can say this is my goal as of now. And I just want to make it come true.

My Partner

I closed my eyes and devoured myself in your presence. And then I just let go. And when I opened my eyes, there I was in your room. You were fast asleep dreaming in you bed. Your breathing was heavy, your body peaceful. This will only take one night, and tonight is that night. I move closure and i sit next to you. You are fast asleep, your skin in glowing with the shadow of the moon. And I gently touch your face. You stir a little but didn't wake. I hear a car from outside, so I go to the window. I thought it was his father, but it was just the neighbor. But I hear you move a little more and your eyes opened. They opened wide. He notices me and is completely scared. He begins to sit up but I race over with my finger over my lips telling him "Shhhhh its okay". He asked "Why are you here? Are you alright?" I push the hair out of my face and I look in his eyes and I tell him "I've opened it, I've embraced it, and I want to show you." I could see a glisten of hope in his eyes and curiosity. I held is face in my hands, closed my eyes, pulled him closure and kissed his forehead. A rush of magnificence rushed through my veins. And next thing I know, we are in the garden. i can feel the sun on my back. I can feel the breeze of spring in my hair. I let him adjust. His eyes are wide, and hes looking around at everything. The trees, the sky, the glow in the air. And he asks, "Where are we?" and I say "This is the garden, where my mother married my father" and then I tell him "Look down". I see him look and then his eyes sharpen, and he reaches down and picks the little green flower. "Its a four leaf clover" he says and I say, "They all are" I see him look around and what looks like grass, is all four leaf clovers. On this floor of luck my mother and my father gave their trust, luck, and love. Here is where they bonded. Hes still in amazement but he looks at me. "You did it" and he gives me a smile. Yes I've embraced how to be home and be here in this other world. And I couldn't have done it without him.

A Dream I cant let go

I look at it...I want to touch it...I just want to feel the polished wood, the whites of the keys. The ways my fingertips fall between each groove, of each note. And when I play a sound, the vibrations though the tip of my finger, through my veins, into my heart. Giving me a warm sensation. I feel like I'm flying through the air...I wonder where it goes....How can a sound make me happy? So, I play more. My fingers fly, my hand changing shape and position to round with each measure I take. The pressure when I bang on the keys, the way the floor shakes. The loudness and and the motion of the room increases. I feel as though I'm running through the wind. And it is music I play..... Music I want to play, as I stand looking at you sitting, staring in a store window....

A familiar

"LETS GO STREAKING!!!!!!!" my friend Sierra says and I immediately start unzippering my pants and un buttoning my shirt. Its just one of those nights you want to be crazy with your girlfriends and dont care what happens as long as the next morning you can say, "What an awesome night". But then Im like "Fuck it" and I say out loud, "Its TOO cold". SO instead we just run and sing really loud down broadway. Friends always are the perfect ones to let you feel silly and do whatever you want and they dont give a crap. I love them for that. Its a cold October night and we all still have summer fever in our system. The leaves are changing colors and falling. The sky is crisp and the stars are awake. My skin is tingling with the cold. I feel shivers in my knees. I adore the cold. I adore the fall. And I praise the night.

Its not too long when we all had to head back to our homes. I turn the keys and head back. The sky is amazingly clear and the moon is around. I must admit I am quite sleeping but dont worry, I can make it home. Then all of a sudden I slam on the breaks. I feel blood rushing towards my face and both hands firmly on the wheel....Im breathing heavely and staring at a black cat, she just sitting in the middle of the road. And didnt move an inch on how fast as I was coming at her. Her eyes are bright yellow, shes just staring at me, so I stared back. I was about to honk the horn when it looks to its right and gets up and walks away. I just in disbalief. What a weird cat...

I get home, put my PJS on, and crawl right into bed. Im exhausted. But that weird cat still freaked me out a bit. It was probably blind or something. I start to drift into dreamland but, I feel a presence. I open my eyes, and I can see a shadow of someone sitting at the edge of my bed.....

I sit up so quick to strike when she says, "Its alright". And I say back, "Who are you". But she stands up and comes closure to me. Shes fairly short and wearing all black. I can barely see her right infront of me. Im freaked the shit out, but its probably just my mom. Maybe something happened when I was sleeping, or maybe shes yelling at me cause Im passed my curfew.... But her voice is old, and its fragile, as she says, "I came to give you something". "You are you"? I asked, and as I do Im terrified, its clearly not my mother.
"You dont recognize me"?
"No? Should I"?
"Im an old friend, but they said you probably forgotten us. Its so sad".
"Who is they"?
She shakes her head and stands up and walks to the window. And then she repeats again, "I have something for you".
She takes something from under her robes and comes closure to me...."Take care of this, in time it will work". She gives me a bottle as big as my palm, and its very smooth and very cold.
"What is this"? I ask and she opens my window and starts to make the position to jump out. But she turns to me and rushes towards me. She gets right up in my face. Her voice is shaken, she terrified. "The time has come. It is time. Its not too early when soon things will change. This is the beginning." All these words make no sense to me I have no idea what she is talking about but before I could respond she races over to my window and just jumps out. I jump up form me bed and look out. I see nor hear nothing.

Next thing I know its morning. My window is clearly shut and looks like it was never open. "Maybe it was all a dream" I say and it had to be. It starts to fit in, I was clearly tired and how can a woman climb through my window, when I was kinda awake, and jump out? I dont know. But as I start to get up I look next to my bed, I see a little blue bottle. About the size of my of my palm. I pick it up, and I cant even open it to see whats inside....

This is all too weird. But through my window I see something in to road....Its a black cat, just staring at me and my little blue bottle.

My Moon...

Dear Moon,
I'm frightened. I'm frightened that one day I will lose you, old friend. Not because you left me. But because I left you. You are my spark, my charm, and my magic. But I feel for this next year, I am getting older. Im growing up. And sometimes things just, fade. I never wanted to grow up. But its happening. I am growing up. The thrills and chills for things long ago have vanished. I feel as though I am the normal human being. My front yard used to be another world. Now its just there. The trees no longer speak to me. They've hidden in their roots. I promised her I wouldnt. And she knew I wouldnt, she believed in me. But I have not seen her, for awhile. Are you there? All of you? Watching me and remembering me? I dont know anymore. I've always felt I was strange and different. But she always put it as 'special'. But I never known myself from this peice of land. From these walls. I once told my mother that I never ever want to move because I have something special here I cant take with me. But now, I'm willing to leave that behind. And its something that I can never have again, something that is one and a million. And it burns in my skin to see how much I have changed. How normal I have become...So moon, I need you to always follow me. Always be there when I need you. Make me remember everything I once believed in. Make me stay awake through the nights. Dont lose faith in me.

Your friend....

Come throw rocks at my window....

I'm not tired...But I don't feel alert either. It feels as though time is standing still during this one night. I sense that pleasure inside me...You're coming to visit me tonight.

I try not to think. Because when I do, then it doesn't feel real. I just try to focus on the darkness of my room and wait till I sense something in the air has changed. I don't know who you are or even what you are. But you give me hope. I feel as though you are my angel looking over me and finding me when ever I never expect it. I come out of my daze and look around my room. Its messy like any teenagers room. But it also has essentials I know most teenagers don't have. Dead flowers, trinkets of fairies and bottles of different sorts and color, books on ancient practices of witchcraft and wicca mixed in with the traditional bible. And of course my random piles of papers, journals, and notebooks. So much thinking goes on in my head, I have to put it somewhere. I have a side to me that my friends don't know...And I have some secrets I've only told a few. It's not that I'm afraid they wont believe me it's the fact that those memories are so precious...I don't want to spoil them.....

I look outside and all the lights on houses have been turned off and its now 3:56 in the morning. I feel the energy and I want to believe you're here, but I know deep inside you're not yet. I feel slightly tired to I just lay down on the soft pillow and rest my eyes. Its so comfortable the feeling of your own bed. And then I get a picture of you in my head because you were once here on this bed with me...I become sad as all the good memories float in my mind. But then I stop myself. I wont get sad about that anymore its time to move on. I have great friends and family and its a new summer and...I suddenly open my eyes.....and I hold my breath....

I leak a little smile and breathe as I feel you stoke my face gently. And I close my eyes as I just feel and don't think. I see his eyes in my mind. There blue like the sky on a quiet morning. And his hair golden like the sun shining through the window. I just feel so strong, stable, safe when he comes. he scoots closure and I feel myself falling into sleep. I feel warmth. I feel comfort and love. I let my head fall on yours and then you kiss my forehead. I feel the sleep wanting to devour me but I want to stay awake with him, but I wont last much longer. Then, I hear you whisper in my ear, "I love you". With the littlest ounce of being awake a say back , "I love you Scott" and I fall into dream land....

Good Night

And then sometimes...I just listen to the rain. I feel as though a voice inside me is telling me to reach out. And sharing these words of wisdom that I never knew were in me. Sometimes I feel so blessed because I know what matters most, and I see life for what it is. But it's hard to hold a candle in the rain...Sometimes the light goes out and I forget these words. Which means I need to learn something new. I need to grow a little more. And each time I do, I cry, I hate, I feel pain. But then, I just smile because I then realize you were just showing me something more. Making me a stronger, wiser, a more appreciative woman. Maybe sometimes its ok to hate life. As long as you're strong and can tell yourself "Its gonna get better" then the pain and suffering goes away and you feel light. Like the candle is burning, brightly. But you have to be strong. You have to learn and teach yourself to except pain to except defeat. And find the strength somewhere inside you to say its goona be ok. You have to take hold of your life and tell yourself this is your time. This is your life and make it the best. Don't dwell on the pain, when you can be making the best memories of you history. So then one day you can read your diary when you are old in age and remember the times that were the best. The times that you loved and hated. The time when you were jaded but conquered. A time when you reached a happiness that made you who you are. I promise it will be ok....

I'm shackled by mirrors reflecting my indecency

I don't know why I'm here or how I even got here. But I am cuffed around the wrists and ankles. And I am trapped and need to get out. I get up and with all my might try and break the chains. I'm falling backwards. And then I try again. But my chains pull me back and make me fly till i bash into the ground. I don't care about the blood trickling down from my wrists and ankles. I just want to be set free. I give up, for now, and just sit in the dark. The only light is grey and coming from a sky light way high up. I see black all around me and a big tall mirror to which I am chained too. It looks a thousand years old with its silver frame. I stare into my eyes. They're dead and drained from tears, my skin is pale, and the color from me has faded. I feel dark. I feel like a ghost of nothingness. Just empty...I feel my skin and I am cold. I look back into my eyes, and then everything changes. I see myself but not in chains, I see myself as of 3 years ago. I'm chubbier and my hair was long and in pig tails. And then I realize where I am, or was. I begin to panic, my eyes begin bursting with tears. I see him, I see his head, his face, the dead eyes that never rolled back into his head. I scream and cover my eyes. A big gust of emotions and feelings run through my veins. I felt this chill blood I felt death again. I scream "NO" and I am back to looking at the present me. I wait a few minutes...and then I stand and touch the mirror. And then my hand touches your face. My tears still fall because in this moment you love me again. I am so happy. But your smile fades. "No" I say. "No please come back!" You turn and walk away. And you leave with another girl. "NO!" I scream again. And with both my fists pound on the mirror. "You are supposed to love me!" And I continue to punch the living shit out of the mirror. And then I stop. The mirror is cracked, I look down at my hands and they are covered with blood. I slowly look back at the mirror. And then....I see me as a child. I'm running through the green grass. My hair is so long and blond flying through the wind. I have the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy. I loved life. Then I see me suddenly stop.....I have the biggest fear in my eyes. And then I watch as a man comes and takes me away and I see my little self screaming. I grab that mirror and shout "LET GO OF HER! LET HER BE! STOP IT! STOP THIS!" I began to lash out. I kick I punch I scream till that mirror and the images of me are broken. I feel my hands crush into the glass and the stinging pain each time. But I want the pain I want the burn so I keep going. My tears are drowning me but I don't care. This is the window into my past, the past that will never go away never let me go. I use all my energy against it and then fall. I look at my hands again and I see glass pieces in my skin. I have blood stains all of my body. I look all around me at the broken glass. I see one where I see my face. I take it in my hands and hold it up to my face, "Why me? Why did my happiness be taken away so many times...?" I hold the piece of glass and squeeze it tightly and I look up into the sky light....and then the light....it begins to shine brighter brighter brighter and brighter

The ones that truly love you will find a way to come back....

We hold hands in a circle as we await the prisoner. I always hate this part for I am the one always who wants to forgive and forget. And these prisoners are humans which half I am, half of my family...So I feel like a traitor, myself. The doors open with a loud jolt and we hear the two men dragging the prisoner so it's feet are behind . I can't see anything yet but I know it's a man. He is entered into the circle and dropped to the ground on his stomach and his head is laying right in front of me. His hands look bruised and his knuckles bloody from a fist fight. His hair is dirty but with blond streaks.
"What is his crime?" The head master asks.
"Causing a scene in public, a fight with another man" Says one of the guards.
"And this fight, how did it start?"
"I guess the other man accused him of stealing and he got mad."
Then my head master leaves the circle to get a cup of water. He pours it straight on to the mans face. Soon you hear movement and he begins to wake. He starts to lift himself up and his face looks straight at mine. And my heart stops...I know this human. Yes it must be him I thought. No one has those eyes. The eyes of blue with the gold center. And his hair yes, the same dirty blond and it still looks soft even though he has been roughed up. He reaches for his mouth and groans and notices its bleeding. His lips stained with blood but still lushes. He is much builder and older then I have last saw him, but I know it is him. How can this be the same man I have known and loved so long ago when we were so young. And he is the one I truly have broken for I left him to come here. I left him with the lie of me, the lie of how I am different. For so long I have tried and forget him but for so long he has tortured me for I could never stop loving him. He sits on his knees and acknowledges everyone standing in a circle around him. And a sudden look of confusion is locked on his face.
"What the hell is this?" He asks with a cocky tone in his voice.
My head master steps forward and states, " You are accused with starting a fight in the public market. Do you deny this?"
"No" He says and he doesn't seem ashamed of it.
"Good, then you know the punishment when you have beaten someone else..." and he answered
"I do". I began to worry now, yes I know the rules and regulations. But I cannot watch him be beaten and tortured.
I see my master with the whip and I panic, and I know I shouldn't but I can't stand him going through anymore pain. He winds up and "STOP!" I scream. He looks at me with horror because I have spoke out of conduct. "What?" he says with anger. "I'm sorry but Master, I know this human and I cannot let you hurt him for he means so much to me." Everyone in my pack have looked at me with disgust for non of them understand how I am affectionate to humans. He puts the whip down and asks "You wish to just, let him go? That is against our order I will not allow it!"
"No no Master I wish to take him as a prisoner and have you hand him over to me and let me take care of him. Please Master for I am half human and he is someone that belongs to my human half. I need him."
There is a long pause and I know he does not like this. I see that the prisoner who I am trying to save does not remember me, he looks at me with such confusion it makes me sad. But he will not let this opportunity of a way out let by.
" But he broke the law he deserves to be punished"
"But his act of fighting maybe something of a human state a human mental disability that I can help with. I know him and I know he did not steal and just fought out of anger he could not control. Please let me take care of him and watch over him and show you he can change..."
My master is the only one you takes my human acts in and understands that I cannot help it either. And we share a great trust with each other. He thinks long and hard then looks at me.
"Ok young one, but if he does another act of no good deed I will have to punish him"
"I understand Master and you can trust me he wont"
I feel the tenseness in the room of my other elders and I know they are upset with me, rather my human me. But I refuse to hide my human half for it its who I am too. They just have to except that. They all scattered and I am left with my prisoner. He looks the same, easy going not thinking hes in great danger.
"Come" I say "Let me bandage you up". I take him back to my room. He does not say a word which I find highly uncomfortable and disterbing. I sit him down and take a wet towel and begin washing his hands. They're the same hands I remember, they are still soft to the touch. We do not share words but I know he is looking at me. I know he is trying to remember who I am, who is this person that saved him? I knew it will be hard to explain everything when the time comes, but I know that time has to come soon for we cannot sit in silence forever. When his hands are washed I finally meet his eyes. Oh how i have missed them...
"So umm thank you for saving me out there, but you didn't have to I could've taken it" His voice is deeper and more rough then I remember.
I smile for I know he would have complained about the pain to himself later but feel like he was a great warrior for taking a whipping. I simply say "I know".
He looks at me still with that puzzled look and asks, "Who are you"? I smile again and say, "I am someone who you probably forgotton long ago for I told you to. I am an old friend, an old lover from when we were 16" From looking down I feel his hand on my chin as he pulls my head up to look me in the eyes. He pushes the hair out of my face and his expression now is shock. And mine too for he does remember me! My eyes begin to water and his mouth is hanging open. And now he simply says, "I cannot believe it".

All I want is ti Rock your Soul

So its been awhile.....

And the grass is green. The flowers are in bloom. The trees are filled with the greenest leaves. Summer is arriving. And with that the sun. The sun is my humble friend and my role model. I have always felt like I am the rain. I am the water to wash the pain away. I am what falls on your cheeks to make you look like tears. For it always seems the faults and negatives over power my positives. And I want to be like the sun. To shine on your day and make you smile up at me. Brightness...warmth....intensity...serenity....happiness. Eternal happiness that's what I want to accomplish in my lifetime. But you can't buy happiness and you can't buy the sun. You need sacrifice you need a journey to get there. You can't have the ending result the outcome without the process. Like having a baby. You can't have that little miracle without going through all the uncomfortable annoying pain of pregnancy. But you get something great in the end.

So why am I bringing this up? Just sometimes I get down...And I mean down. Like debby downer SO down. And I don't know why. I just do. Yes I am mentally disable at times but hey everyone's got their problems and I can handle mine...At times. Just this time it was hard. I felt anger, pain, and betrayal that really blew me away and made me feel physical pain. And it was because I was experiencing a new sort of internal issue. The issue of liking something that you shouldn't. The one where your head says "NO" but your heart says "yes"......And its difficult to listen to 2 totally different sides of you constantly. I mean who can do that without being a little emotional. But which one do you listen to? The one that just makes sense that you should say no and walk away. But when you did, you felt wrong....like you totally went against everything and everyone. But to me what matters is me being happy. And if that means being "wrong" in some sorts then I have to do it. I shouldn't have to follow what other people think anyways. I'm a big girl I can make descisions on my own. And I can make mistakes on my own. I guess its like proving everyone wrong trying to find your answer to make it right.


My life will never be simple....My life will never be easy....But one thing I have learned is be thankful for what you do have. And what you could do.

And at the end of every reinbow, there is a pot of gold waiting for you....

It has been quite sometime since I have written something....


But a lot has happened in the past couple months. I did some soul searching which is always good and healthy. What did I find on my quest? That I am someone special, and I don't need a guy to tell me that. That it's always better to love yourself before you start to love someone else. And just in time, and in a desperate search someone walked in on my life. My life has been quite enjoyable because of him. And because I know what I want to do with my life. I want to play piano. I felt I wasn't good enough to be a music major. But who really is? Its not about how many notes you can play and how fast you can play them. Its about heart. And my heart lies on the piano. I love to play. I feel it brings me to this new zone and new view of life. Its a ride each time I play. And when you're ever on a fun ride you hate it when its over. So I'm gonna let this ride keep going. I'm going to keep playing and I want to go to school for it. Maybe one day I can play on a stage infront of millions. Or write my own or play for someone. I dunno thats the fun part I have a lot of options. I can see myself as a musician. I thought I should be a psychologist....But I can't see myself as a doctor...

So I guess what I'm trying to tell you is really don't let what you think get in the way of what you feel. If you want to do it then do it. Don't let what they think is right get in the way of what you think is right. You will feel much happier if you follow your own heart.

So I think the last couple times I have been in love thats something I lost. I lost who I was and what I enjoy about myself. But now I'm finding those things again. I'm just being myself I guess. See I felt desperate to be happy after my heart was broken because I didn't have anything.....I lost myself. I spent all my time and energy thinking about making them happy when I didn't make myself happy. Thats why I was so depressed. So even if my heart gets broken again which I pray it wont I feel I wont be totally lost. I will have myself to fall back on.

Thats the way its gotta be. You can't lose yourself for someone else. You must have yourself for someone else.....

And Here We Go Again

I pray to you because you're supposed to follow through
And I never really said thank you
I guess I believe in you
But you're still hard to read sometimes
I don't know what you're trying to teach me
But I know you're doing it because you believe in me

Sometimes I want to know if the answer can just be myself
That I don't need someone else to make me happy
But with each new step I take someone else is always along for the ride
Is it selfish to say I don't mind?
Maybe these aren't steps
I don't believe my life is already planned out
I'm just going along for the ride
But when it comes to the one you love
I just feel you are destined to be together
You just have to make up the story to find them

So I guess what I'm trying to say is
Thank you for keeping my life interesting
And answering my prayers
Really....

Afraid of Lonely

I'm running. I don't look back and I push my legs harder and I go faster. I feel my tears quickly falling from my face. I don't know where I'm going. But I don't care I have to move.
"Come back!" I hear you scream and your steps quicken behind me. I do not say anything and let my speed show him. I see the sunset ahead of me and maybe just maybe I will just fall off the Earth. Then I wouldn't have to confront you, I wouldn't have to confront myself. Why did you follow me? Why did you meet me? Why are you here!?
Dust flies up and fills my eyes. I try and use my tears to brush it away. Then I feel the sweat on my forehead. How long has he been chasing me? When will he give up? Will he ever? I keep going I can't look at him. I can't fall for those eyes. But then a sudden jult and I trip and roll across the hard dirt. I feel the sting of the scratches on my arms and hands. Then I feel the tiredness in my legs and I can't get up from how worn out they are. But then I feel the hands of him pull me up. I try and get free but I can't hes too strong. "Let go of me" I shout and cry. "I'm not letting you go! Just listen to me" He says and he tries to look into my eyes but I refuse. His hands slide from my arms to my wrists and he holds them together. "Why are you running from me?" He says and hes no longer shouting. "Just leave me alone, let me go" I say and I feel my tiredness go to me head and my eyes begin to close. I begin to fall and he quickly realizes and pulls his arms around me. He sits down and i fall on his lap. My head rest on his shoulder and I feel his heart beating. The steady rhythm makes me calm. He shouldn't be here. I should just have fallen to my death not to his arms. But I'm so tired and aggravated I begin to cry. He slowly rocks me and doesn't say a word. There is nothing around us. Just wide open space. The ground is tan filled with sand and rocks. Its so flat that the big red sun is a perfect half circle. Its shining so bright on us. I can feel its heat and my skin tingle. But I'm drifting to sleep. But I want to keep running. I want to open my mouth to scream. But I can't. I can't lose him but I know I will. I can see the deep red of the sun behind my eye lids. I can feel myself falling into darkness. My head falls back and he starts to cradel me like a baby. Then I finally open my eyes. I see those deep blue eyes. I see his own tear stains and the dirt in his wrinkles. His hair is gently flowing in the breeze and I just admire everything about him while he keeps looking in my eyes. Hes perfect. He is my everything but I am just afriad that he will not be here. What if he stops loving me? What if somehow we separate? I can't wait for that. Because my heart and breaking always seems to happen. But yet, he makes me feel like he is brining to life more then just my heart. How did he find me? Why me?.... With whats left of my strength I reach up and touch his skin. Its rough but warm. He nuzzles in my hand and I find the blue in his eyes again. And then I say "I love you too".