Come throw rocks at my window....

I'm not tired...But I don't feel alert either. It feels as though time is standing still during this one night. I sense that pleasure inside me...You're coming to visit me tonight.

I try not to think. Because when I do, then it doesn't feel real. I just try to focus on the darkness of my room and wait till I sense something in the air has changed. I don't know who you are or even what you are. But you give me hope. I feel as though you are my angel looking over me and finding me when ever I never expect it. I come out of my daze and look around my room. Its messy like any teenagers room. But it also has essentials I know most teenagers don't have. Dead flowers, trinkets of fairies and bottles of different sorts and color, books on ancient practices of witchcraft and wicca mixed in with the traditional bible. And of course my random piles of papers, journals, and notebooks. So much thinking goes on in my head, I have to put it somewhere. I have a side to me that my friends don't know...And I have some secrets I've only told a few. It's not that I'm afraid they wont believe me it's the fact that those memories are so precious...I don't want to spoil them.....

I look outside and all the lights on houses have been turned off and its now 3:56 in the morning. I feel the energy and I want to believe you're here, but I know deep inside you're not yet. I feel slightly tired to I just lay down on the soft pillow and rest my eyes. Its so comfortable the feeling of your own bed. And then I get a picture of you in my head because you were once here on this bed with me...I become sad as all the good memories float in my mind. But then I stop myself. I wont get sad about that anymore its time to move on. I have great friends and family and its a new summer and...I suddenly open my eyes.....and I hold my breath....

I leak a little smile and breathe as I feel you stoke my face gently. And I close my eyes as I just feel and don't think. I see his eyes in my mind. There blue like the sky on a quiet morning. And his hair golden like the sun shining through the window. I just feel so strong, stable, safe when he comes. he scoots closure and I feel myself falling into sleep. I feel warmth. I feel comfort and love. I let my head fall on yours and then you kiss my forehead. I feel the sleep wanting to devour me but I want to stay awake with him, but I wont last much longer. Then, I hear you whisper in my ear, "I love you". With the littlest ounce of being awake a say back , "I love you Scott" and I fall into dream land....

Good Night

And then sometimes...I just listen to the rain. I feel as though a voice inside me is telling me to reach out. And sharing these words of wisdom that I never knew were in me. Sometimes I feel so blessed because I know what matters most, and I see life for what it is. But it's hard to hold a candle in the rain...Sometimes the light goes out and I forget these words. Which means I need to learn something new. I need to grow a little more. And each time I do, I cry, I hate, I feel pain. But then, I just smile because I then realize you were just showing me something more. Making me a stronger, wiser, a more appreciative woman. Maybe sometimes its ok to hate life. As long as you're strong and can tell yourself "Its gonna get better" then the pain and suffering goes away and you feel light. Like the candle is burning, brightly. But you have to be strong. You have to learn and teach yourself to except pain to except defeat. And find the strength somewhere inside you to say its goona be ok. You have to take hold of your life and tell yourself this is your time. This is your life and make it the best. Don't dwell on the pain, when you can be making the best memories of you history. So then one day you can read your diary when you are old in age and remember the times that were the best. The times that you loved and hated. The time when you were jaded but conquered. A time when you reached a happiness that made you who you are. I promise it will be ok....

I'm shackled by mirrors reflecting my indecency

I don't know why I'm here or how I even got here. But I am cuffed around the wrists and ankles. And I am trapped and need to get out. I get up and with all my might try and break the chains. I'm falling backwards. And then I try again. But my chains pull me back and make me fly till i bash into the ground. I don't care about the blood trickling down from my wrists and ankles. I just want to be set free. I give up, for now, and just sit in the dark. The only light is grey and coming from a sky light way high up. I see black all around me and a big tall mirror to which I am chained too. It looks a thousand years old with its silver frame. I stare into my eyes. They're dead and drained from tears, my skin is pale, and the color from me has faded. I feel dark. I feel like a ghost of nothingness. Just empty...I feel my skin and I am cold. I look back into my eyes, and then everything changes. I see myself but not in chains, I see myself as of 3 years ago. I'm chubbier and my hair was long and in pig tails. And then I realize where I am, or was. I begin to panic, my eyes begin bursting with tears. I see him, I see his head, his face, the dead eyes that never rolled back into his head. I scream and cover my eyes. A big gust of emotions and feelings run through my veins. I felt this chill blood I felt death again. I scream "NO" and I am back to looking at the present me. I wait a few minutes...and then I stand and touch the mirror. And then my hand touches your face. My tears still fall because in this moment you love me again. I am so happy. But your smile fades. "No" I say. "No please come back!" You turn and walk away. And you leave with another girl. "NO!" I scream again. And with both my fists pound on the mirror. "You are supposed to love me!" And I continue to punch the living shit out of the mirror. And then I stop. The mirror is cracked, I look down at my hands and they are covered with blood. I slowly look back at the mirror. And then....I see me as a child. I'm running through the green grass. My hair is so long and blond flying through the wind. I have the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy. I loved life. Then I see me suddenly stop.....I have the biggest fear in my eyes. And then I watch as a man comes and takes me away and I see my little self screaming. I grab that mirror and shout "LET GO OF HER! LET HER BE! STOP IT! STOP THIS!" I began to lash out. I kick I punch I scream till that mirror and the images of me are broken. I feel my hands crush into the glass and the stinging pain each time. But I want the pain I want the burn so I keep going. My tears are drowning me but I don't care. This is the window into my past, the past that will never go away never let me go. I use all my energy against it and then fall. I look at my hands again and I see glass pieces in my skin. I have blood stains all of my body. I look all around me at the broken glass. I see one where I see my face. I take it in my hands and hold it up to my face, "Why me? Why did my happiness be taken away so many times...?" I hold the piece of glass and squeeze it tightly and I look up into the sky light....and then the light....it begins to shine brighter brighter brighter and brighter