Who am I?

And with these eyes I finally see who I am. What am I? I am only human, but with many cracks that you can't see. I am your mother who cares more for her children s health and stability then her own. I am your daughter for who has learned how to grow from you. I am your sister who you have watched change into someone else. I am your friend, who you have seen my playful side and shared laughs with. But I am also your stranger, who you saw crying in the hallway one day. Even though you do not know my name I was in your thoughts because you saw me, weak. Everyone wants to fulfill something in life. The only thing I want to do is live. But me, so young, has had demons. I am weak. I am fragile. I am not a stable human. But I am not alone. I don't want someone else to complete me, I want to be strong by myself and not search for a guy to do that for me. But, that doesn't mean I don't want him, one day. Just the day I am better. But the question is, will I ever be...? - 9/30/08


But I am just human...I have cried, laughed, and loved. I grow. I am still growing. And each new step I take I learn something more about me. And what I have learned is that I am never "sick" or "better". I am just me. I have problems but who doesn't? I have wonderful friends and family. My heart is healthy and beating. And right now with life I am happy. Something I fear is in the future, something that will bring me down again. And if that happens, so be it. I have taken my self before. I have cried till I choked and felt useless and worthless in the dark. I have been there done that. So if I go back to that stage I will know I can get out of it, because I'm strong. But when this does happen, which it probably will, I will not think this way. But a light will shine and talk to me and tell me these words...Then only to wake up and see you there telling me these exact words written from a piece of paper I have written. I just need you to keep reminding me...Who ever you are -12/23/08

Live

7/14/08
I would tell people to stop to just stop and be quiet, so all you hear is you breathing. To be able to hear the snow fall. To close your eyes and feel the wind. Feel the breeze. Feel the sun shine. Listen to your heart. Listen to others hearts. The rhythm of life. to look at the beautiful Earth when you first open your eyes. To see the green. To see the blue. To feel mother nature's pulse when you place your hands on her. The world is filled with life and love. Just accept being alive. Just stop and look around...

Some Works

Here are some poems I found...


Sorrow
When nerves come before friends
What do you do?
Just friends
What nerves come before emotions
You just stop
When nerves come before love
You just stand and wonder why
When friends come before nerves
And when sorrow comes before nerves
What do you do?
Forgive
I'm sorry...

I wrote this 8/18/04 And I can't remember who its directed to....



I'm Here To Survive
How could many years pass me by? Because it feels like I've been in the same spot all that time. Sometimes I feels so lost its hard to breathe. i just tell myself, "Its ok, you will see..."

My pain just seems to stay, but my dreams don't fade away. I'm ok, in the since I am alive. I'm ok, because I'm here to survive.

I stay by the light hoping God will see me face to face. But it seems so high and I can
t reach. I'm so small in this deep wide world. Hoping I'm alright. Hoping I'll survive.

I'm here to survive
I'm here to live life
And I
ll be alright

Don't know when I wrote this....


You'll Find The Day
Young child its ok
Listen to my voice I'm the same way
But trust in yourself
Don't give up
Even though you're weak

There is light in the dark dark whole that your sleeping through
Take the hand that reaches for you
Grasp it and feel it glow inside you
It will be ok
You'll find the day

Don't know when I wrote this one too....


Death
That Feeling. A cold chill that surrounds your brain and you can feel the breath of death. Its almost like time has stopped and you can hear the soul leaving the body. You breathe in slow motion. Its eerie and it feels wrong. How can something so scary be so natural.

Written 3/25/08

Blinded

What are you? What am I? Am I just a doll being tossed back and forth?
Why must you come in and out anytime you please!?
Torture, pressure, and betray me...
You will never fully leave
My tears fall
And you don't care
My fists fly
And you don't scream
You take it all in
You pull me out

I am reminded how it feels
His face flashes before me
And inside I am hollow
Stop blinding me...

But soon you and him fade, and I am left alone...
Just memories and dreams that keep coming back to it's sender
Why must I always remember
Because I have to...

Your Air

I am overwhelemed
I am nervous
But it's so right
I let go
I breathe your air
And it's so nice
Just let me stay a bit more
Please don't let go
I promise you will be all right
I do not look ahead I do not look back
I just keep my life rhythm with you heart
I am stable
I am together
And its right
I am not afraid of you fading
For I have lost many times before
Just take my hand for the time being
And let me savor your touch
Because it is so nice
Let me breath your air some more
Let you lips bring that chill down my spine
Take me and don't let go
We interlock and I can smell you
I am more attracted
Why must you feel so right?
I feel so comfortable
So me
And I pray this night will never end
And I pray it's only your air I breathe

I'm dancing in your room, as if I was in the woods with you...

I want to go on a boat. I want to go out to the middle of the sea where all I can see is the blue Earth. So far away that I can hear the angels sing. Where your heart can make friends with the dolphins and sing to them over the waves as they swim by. I don't want to look back I just want to look ahead. I want to open my arms and fly. Then is the distance I see the sunset and I hear it call to me. I close my eyes and I can feels its warmth on my eyes. I breath in the salty air, and I watch the sun fall off the blue Earth.

I like quiet, because then I can hear everything. Everything on the inside seems to speak louder. I get in touch with my inner voice and just listen and feel. I remember all the hard days and I praise the good ones. Sometimes it feels like a dream, a second life, all the things that have happened to me. But without my past I would not be who I am today. I have grown. I am wiser and I am living a life. Right now it's a typical life with some extra special things. I am happy I am not alone. And listening to people and them telling me "Let things happen by themselves" made me step back and breath. I can't control life, I need to just let it happen. So I'm going to be lazy and not think too much. So far I feel more room in my mind and I like it.

But have you ever wondered "Is this it? Is this the life I am going to lead'? I think we say that because deep down inside we know there is more to come. I know there are going to be more hurts in life and more happiness too. I know that, but I do not know how. And at this moment I feel happiness and I feel I am falling back into a place. Maybe not the same place I used to be since I have grown a little, but I am not lost pieces on the table trying to fit somewhere. I seem to always have a very low low and then something happens and I'm back at a high. What put me here this time? Letting go and letting others open me back up. I have let a deep emotion leave till now it's only a memory. Now, I have a different something filling up my heart and making me have a reason to smile. I would hate to see you go and disappear, but I will not think of that. I will think of what you have done to me...You saved me from falling. That once again there is something good out there for me that is not hurtful in the process. You keep me fluttering. And without my friends and family I would not be rounded and home. My music and music around me seems to sound more beautiful then before. And the way I smile looks different...Looks like a new me.

Two times I have now escaped from myself and my fear and find happiness. This time with someone else too. This time I have grown a little bit more, changed a little bit more...I'm going to keep on going, keep on dancing.

Take a look around

Last night, I had a bad dream. I had a dream that my daddy died. You know how you can sometimes think where you might have gotten this idea for a dream? Well I'm reading Ellen Foster, and if you haven't read that book YOU SHOULD. Very powerful. Talks about a foster child and her story of her broken family with no mama and daddy and jumping finding a home. Even though I don't have a broken family this dream was still so powerful. I also saw an episode of scrubs where Carla loses her mommy. So that must have something to do with it. In my dream I felt myself crying and remembering everything about my dad. I thought it was real i remember things so well. That feeling that my dad is not going to walk through that door anymore. It hurt. But then somehow I woke up and discovered it was just a dream. A blanket of relief rushed over me and I was so happy. I wanted to see my daddy and give him a BIG hug, but it was 6 in the morning. But when I did wake up I saw my mommy happy so I gave her a big hug after seeing her in my dreams hurt. She was ok. And my dad when I saw him he was cleaning (like normal) and I couldn't help but smile and say "Yup thats my Daddy".

Its true when they say you don't know what you have until its gone. After somewhat experiencing my dad not being around I realized how much of my life was missing. My good night kiss, my hello in the morning, my hugs and pinches of my cheeks he does to me. I noticed how good my life is right now just for that reason, the love of my dad. Or the love of my family. Thats all I need. Also the love of my friends, I don't know where I would be or who I would be without them. People who surround you everyday become apart of you and after saying "Man, life is not where I want it to be right now" you can look around you and see who is where you want them to be. Its ok to be down but know you are surrounded by love and people who love you know matter what.